Bluebird Rising

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." -Anne Lamott

Dead? Not so fast, Quickdraw. April 8, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluebirdrising @ 2:37 am

Hello, Bluebirds.

No, I’m not dead. I am alive, well and living life.

Well, let’s leave it at the fact that I am not dead. Thanks for the emails attempting to verify otherwise. So, yes. Not dead. But “well and living life?” That’s a tough call.

I have not written lately because I have been busy. With job scheduling changes, with life changes, and most importantly with the core-shaking realization I often have no fucking clue who I am. Seriously, this person I have been promoting for years? Once you dig deep down, I am not her anymore. And maybe I never have been.  That I don’t know yet. Because I haven’t digged that deep. Because it scares me like you wouldn’t believe.

So this is a post to tell you that I am alive. And that I wish with all my being that I could create a funny post right now. One that expands on my likelihood of falling out of a car in public. Or one about how much more I want to evict Brickfeet (which is my nickname for the drunk who lives above me) than I have wanted to in the past. And those stories are coming. Yes, thank whatever you conceive God to be, that there is still a form of humor in my life. But this next post, the one that I am covering up now, through the means of a general “I’m alive” notification, is much darker than that, and for that I’m sorry. I like being the comic relief. I strive to be the funny girl in a group situation. But I don’t have it in me at this point.

This post I have put off from posting has lived within me for a long time now. I started thinking about the idea about a month ago. I wrote down the actual post a few weeks ago. It’s hitting the “publish” button that has been a bitch. And so I haven’t. I just can’t yet. And so this post has sat in my inbox, and it stares at me in my cowardly face every single day, daring me to pull the trigger. And every day I fail.

But I am alive. And I will write more soon, I promise. Maybe this ugly post first, and maybe not. Courage is a tricky balance to try to outwit.

But then a lot more posts about the better side of life. Because I see proof every day that it exists. And this ugly stuff? It too, shall pass.


2 Responses to “Dead? Not so fast, Quickdraw.”

  1. Nancy Says:

    So glad you’re not dead. 😉 Honestly, I thank God I’m no longer the woman I was in my 20’s. Lord, did I have a lot to learn!
    Anyway, if you were to be done – like a cake or a pot roast – now, what is the rest of your life to be used for? Uncertainty is scary as hell but the thought of being and feeling exactly the same every day for the rest of my life sounds much worse.
    Keep peeling the layers of your onion to find out more and more about who you are inside. It doesn’t always feel good to expose new skin to the fresh air but exoliation is good for the soul.
    Hugs and cliches to you dear friend.

  2. Thank you. As always, you are very sweet.

    I am reminding myself every day that learning is on a curve. It’s just enjoying the journey some days that is hard. But I’ll get there.

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