Bluebird Rising

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." -Anne Lamott

Amy Uses An Escort Service November 2, 2010

I may have gotten too deep into this one. From requests sent by you, my lovely readers, I have turned to researching the world of internet dating to address questions you are all dying to have answered. Questions like “I’m thinking about jumping into this….how do I go about it?” and “What makes a profile likely to get a response?” or “What sites are the most promising?” Well, since I really would only be feeding you answers that would have been hearsay at best on my part, I thought I better start researching what I preach. And after all, when it comes to getting to the bottom of things, where you all have shame, I really have none. (But this you already knew.)

Anyways, this post is not about my findings, because these things take time, people. It has taken me a week or so to even get somewhat efficient at these sites, so my responses to you questions, if you want them to be good ones, will take even more time.  This post is about a little speed bump I hit along the way, one that damn well better give you some perspective on how hard I am hustling for you over here.

As I said, I began searching through hundreds of online dating sites and personal profiles to get to the bottom of these topics. If you don’t already know, to get to be able to view any profiles of merit on these sites, you have to create an account yourself. But as far as researching what interests other people in your specific profile and what causes them to communicate with you over someone else, I quickly learned that you need an “actual” account so that they can get in touch with you. For example, characteristics of an “actual” account include at least one picture, and probably some contact information that comes from paying to use the site. Profiles with no pictures get no attention because nobody wants to date a creeper, which is what you look like with that little cartoon head floating above your information. And, without any contact information either, that’s exactly what I was coming off as. So I put up pictures, and actually “registered” as a user. Game on.

In the middle of all this quality internet stalking time I got an email from Eharmony offering a month-long trial for $10. (I’m sure I can likely thank some form of spyware virus for this.) I thought that this seemed like a fair price since two Stoli sevens during a bad date in real life has cost me more, and now I don’t even have to get out of my pajamas to deny a “communication request.” See, they promote this 29 dimension business that they match you against, so the results seem like maybe they could be pretty accurate. Also, I assumed that decent profiles would be in stock because you have to answer approximately 3,000 questions to set your profile up, so only the dedicated need apply. So I set up my profile and was looking forward to some promising research for my bluebirds. Cue speed bump.

Not even ten minuets later my phone starts ringing off the hook with weird 1-800 numbers that I silence and ignore, logically. Suddenly I have three voice mails talking about breeches of security and stolen identities and whatnot. Turns out, the fraud investigation department of my bank is convinced that my card has been stolen and being used illegally due to a “uncharateristic” charge of a recent “escort” service purchase under my name. Thanks, Eharmony.

This bank debacle is a bit disturbing for a few reasons. First, I had to explain to three different people before progress was made that this transaction was approved by me, and furthermore, thank you for your concern, but it is not exactly an escort service. This turned out to be a little embarrassing for me, so people who are actually a bit shy about internet dating may be walking towards the nearest bridge as we speak. Second, I must admit, I was a bit offended. I can only imagine what you would get for $10 at an escort service, and I’m much classier than that. Whatever it is your selling for $10, I don’t want it. Have some respect.

This is nothing against the ladies of the night. It must be nice to have a controllable work schedule, to get paid in tax-free cash and be able to have noble goals like using your earnings to pay for college. (Honestly, I filled out that FAFSA for six years, that thing was a bitch every time.) But a dating site is not in the same realm of service, I’m sorry to say.

And so, now that the kinks at the bank are ironed out, hopefully for good, I can concentrate on getting you all the answers you are asking. I will continue researching how to make internet dating efficient, and hopefully you will be inspired to get out there and put effort into finding your own love. Just beware of the bank.


One Response to “Amy Uses An Escort Service”

  1. […] ones. You know who you are. *Clears throat. If necessary, please refresh yourself on that post here. Now, I’m not going to play all innocent. There have been a few (okay–3) that I […]

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